So the same thing happened, and it happened the same time as the previous year, on me birthday. Gotta know each other from a mutual friend of ours and we got along. Knew the next day that you’r attached. But i thought i cud be stronger and still maintain a friend-friend relationship. Of cuz, you made me feel like im the king on my birthday. U travelled all d way to the west when my friend planned an impromptu bday at west coast. U spent the night together with me when my friends surprised me with a firework bday bash at a hotel facing d ndp fireworks.

We got along rili well. We knew there was mutual feelings between us. Den it all just crumbled. I broke down at work but away from my colleagues. I knew it will come to a point that we had to settle d record straight and u choose whether to still be with ur other half or not. And of cuz, u did. I tried to distant myself from you.

I deleted you off my facebook and twitter. All cuz it hurts getting updates abt u and seeing pics of ur other half n u. N den we saw each other again at d same place we first met. I missed u of cuz. N a few days later, i took d courage to add u back, thinking that we can still b frens.

We went out one of the nights. Was rili a bad meetup. We weren’t what we used to b.. U were constantly on your phone. And it just feels like we’v lost each other. So we ended off d night early. N we never did message after that.

Fast forward to the present year now and i cud say that im very much over u and that its impossible for us to cross path ever again. But a part of me remained sore. Its prolly cuz u know any guys will just throw themselves at u and they’re dispensable.

Back at work, i had a smoking kaki who worked in d same building. We just opened up to each other recently and true enough, its a small small world. Turns out, you’re our mutual friend. We talked and talked and talked. And that’s when she told me it seemed that you’re attached with another person. That you’re pretty intimate with someone else other than your other half.

I duno. But seriously, wat isit that they got that i dont? Could u please at least tell me so i cud reflect on? Am i too skinny and too better looking that im nt compatible. Cuz as much as i dun wana compare myself with them, i had to see whats wrong in me. So yea, the one i saw u with wen we bumped at d same place we met, yea so u guys are together now yea.

I must have been a fucking bitch in my previous life to be getting all these shits now.

Of cuz I gotta kp my cool. My friends were around me. I finally get the picture now. Tt explains u migrating to another country to study. To be with ur other half. And wen I asked why i’v never known abt this piece of news, u said I never askd. Babe. I’v asked many times. You either divert the topic, or u gave me a vague answer.

Four years, babe. Even if we’re just friends, you could have told me when we just gotta noe each other. Saves me from being too emotionally attachd to u all these years. Maybe I didn’t get the hint tt you’re being cold to me. Maybe I was oblivious. Cuz I thought it’s just your character.

Babe. See, i’v nv put ani hopes to us being together. I grew out of it. This feeling tt I’m having now, is just numb.

Sigh. 2010 ended on a bittersweet note.

It was something tt I nd to do. N its good tt we’re distancing. One thing for sure, I won’t be d same me u knew before. I wantd to see u. Just u n me. Cus I still find solace in u.

There was once tt I was so stressed up with work, having to work till late, tt in my mind all I cud think of was to be next to u. N I took a train in d opposite direction just to alight at ur workplace, waiting for u.

I hate tis feeling

My bday falls on d same wk as ur boyfriend. U’v bought a lovely present for me, something u know I’ll use. U bothered to know what I like n what I don’t. You surprised me with a cake I love d most. N u choose to come to meet me when the day was your boyfriend’s birthday.

But it bothered me knowing ur attached to ur boyfriend. Often the time, I looked at you in d eyes wanting to tell u that I can’t do this, us. But I kept silent. U know this was bothering me, but saying sorry doesn’t resolve anithing.

I always adviced me friends when they have problems in their relationships. But me, I’m screwed n fucked when it comes to my love life. I always seem to grow attached to the wrong person.

“I love you”. Words tt I want u to know. But it just can’t escape my mouth. Knowing it will never happen.

I am hurting myself so badly.

N I don’t really know where to start. I have to thank my sis for getting married. D invitation card that I did for her, tt was the start. That kept the ball rolling.

I got an email from an unknown person a day after my sister gt married. Requiring my service for his company’s rebranding. Little did I know tt he was actually my cousin’s ex husband who ownd an interior design firm. Met him, discussed abt the job and he paid me on that day itself. This was my first project that paid me quite, handsomely. And it felt good.  He also told me tt tis wouldn’t b a one off ting as he’s lookin for a long term partnership as and when.

And it was all too soon. I met him for the second time to get d materials frm him and to present him with the logos I came up with. We talked and an hour later, I gt myself another project to pitch to his client.

I walked around after tt while waiting for my friend to knock off from work and then, gota call. It was d job my ex-classmate referred me to as she’s goin back to study and can’t take tt offer.. I was ecstatic. Awesome handsome pay, no shirt tie attire, and its a 3mth job stint. Just tt its at ubi. D pay was the one tt woah, hit me in d head.

So I took the job offer. N it starts tomorrow. Or in 6hours time. N I’m still awake.

I was up doin the mock up logo to pitch to the client and when I showed it to my cousin’s xhusband (d one I’m working with), he said it really hit d jackpot. And I tink so too, not to b proud. Hopefully all’s smooth sailing wen we pitch to the client.. =) its a pretty, big, client.. so ka-ching! N boomz for me portfolio.

N on top of that, my sister’s friend requires my service to set up her new business. I’v gt a pretty good idea of wad I can do for her, just waiting for her reply.
And so far my past clients, are 100% (or maybe 99.9%) satisfied of d work I did for them. Which is good.

It’s overwhelming. But I know I can do this..

God give me the strength.

So far only two companies called me. And both tt’s nt rili to my liking. see. thing is. i cant put my hopes up high. d waiting sucked. and the more i go online to jobhunt, the more upset i got. cmon man. ugh.

you borrowed from me wen it was my birthday last year saying that u need it urgently.
and i trust u enough to lend u.

a year later, and after i emancipated from hellhole, u still have not paid me back in full.
u got urself a new phone, a new bike and all that and you can’t even pay off your debt to an acquaintance you borrowed from.

messaged you two months ago, reminding you to return the money before i emancipate. you said, sure do, no worries.
a month ago, i emancipated and i texted you. u said a few weeks later wen we’ll b getting our money from the gahmen. do note that d last pay i got from serving the nation was halved and i did not save much to survive me till me first job. i needed my money back.
now that the gahmen has given us d money, u do not have d decency to at least text me tt u’ll b returning em to me soon, or delayed.
ur out with your girlfriend, and with your new and improved bike. and i am forced to stay home, trying my very best to not go out and spend the last of my savings and giving my friends excuses not to meet them cuz i simply could not afford to go out.

and its not that im not making any effort to get a job.

companies, please call me so i could start working.

this world i choose to live in is sleazy. and superficial.

everyone longs for their fairy tale ending, which will never happen, just to burst the bubble.
kept telling myself to open up to options. and start dating again. or simply meet new friends.

kept telling myself to not like you. and u can probably sense that, thus the cold behavior you’re giving me.
n that’s fine. thanks for reminding me not to like you.
but i just want us to be friends. we can talk normally. but somehow i get this feeling that u just dun wana talk to me. or maybe i’m just analysing too much.

its hard to get good chemistry. but more often than not, it didnt work out eventually.

such. is life.